My Favorite Pen

I'm not the type of person to go out and shop for pens. Of course I buy office supplies, when needed, but I never really take the time to peruse the aisles of my local retailers for the perfect pen. They just sort of find their way to me. Whether their given to me, found on the floor of my husband's truck, or unconsciously swiped from someone else' collection, they make their way into my possession. And I keep them.

In thinking about my favorite pen I began thinking about some of the other things in my life that I love and enjoy everyday. And that's when I realized something; I realized that none of the things that matter to me were bought or earned by me. They are treasures that made their way to me. I didn't work overtime to earn the money to purchase them. I didn't have to be a perfect little angel in order to be worthy of their ownership. I didn't have to endure a military obstacle course to win them. We were brought together. Truth be told, when first presented with some of these blessings I didn't always see them as such until later.

My Husband
My husband is truly a gift from God to me. This man loves me without regret, forgives me before I offend, and understands me in such a way that he is able to allow me to be who I am without bonds and limitations. Honestly, his type of love is one that I aspire to. It's so easy and relaxed and consistent, like that of a best friend. The Lord knew what He was doing when He released the blessing that is my husband to overtake me. And overtake me he did! This marvelous creature pursued me in steadfast patience and loving generosity for four years. Not because I was a diva, but on the contrary, I was brokenhearted. And God, in His great wisdom and understanding knew that my husband's love for me would need to be demonstrated over time, over ups, over downs, over thick, and over thin times while He was at work healing and correcting the damages of the past. Awesome. I can't imagine being married to anyone else but him, my sweet, strong, loving, husband. My best friend.

Our Son
Right before my husband and I were married we learned of my younger sister's pregnancy. Because of issues faced by my sister, I was afraid that I would end up raising her child. I wasn't ready to become a mother, nor was my husband ready to be a father. We were beyond scared and intimidated by what this pregnancy would mean to our newly wed lives. Even in writing this I can feel those emotions as if transported back to 2005.

With my husband already in Iraq at the time my mother, older sister and myself attended the birth of my son-to-be. Something happened in that room that I will never forget. Mind you, I've been present to witness several births in my short life, so I pretty much knew what to expect. But, not this. After my beautiful baby sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy my family and I took turns holding our new addition. When my turn came I took him in my arms as I was shown and held him very gingerly. So nervous, I sat down while I held him, while I held beautiful him. As I cradled him in my arms he turned his little head towards me and tried to feed. We all laughed and I gave him back to my baby sister. There was no way he would draw anything but lent from my wool sweater covered chest.

But, the moment wasn't lost on me...not at all. Still not knowing the future, I hid it in my heart. Still young, still selfish, still clueless to what the Lord was doing.

When our son was eventually released to our care by my beautiful baby sister, you could have taken a family photo of us and been none the wiser. He looks like a perfect blend of my husband and I. (uncanny!) This little boy brought with him laughter, joy, commitment, renewed faith, a rebirth of hope, a sense of completion, and new identities for both my husband and I. Our son took us from being self-centered to self-sacrificing, from being a married couple to a family.

My Family Today
The thing I love and cherish the most about both my husband and son is that everyday they inspire me draw from, encourage me to pursue, direct me towards, remind me of, demonstrate to me, and share with me the Love of God. You see, like my favorite pen I didn't earn them. I didn't buy them. I didn't hustle to obtain them. They were given to me and I to them by divine providence. So, like my favorite pen, I do my best to keep them safe; make sure they are cared for and not worn out (by me). And, I don't lend them out to anyone, although one day (in God's time) I will give one away to manhood. But, not today!

Stepping Over

I've been wanting to blog for quite some time now. But, as with so many new ideas and desires, I was afraid. Yeah, I said it...AFRAID! I immediately began to question my ability to communicate anything helpful or of interest. I spent a lot of time questioning whether the world would even be interested in what I had to say. Until tonight.

Tonight I attended a special meeting at my church. Bro. Guy Evans was the speaker, all the way from sunny California. Not that far, but nevertheless his visit to our church body was purposeful. In his message he spoke about faith, confession, and training our spirit. Though I have heard a myriad of sermons on faith and confession, tonight I decided that if I'm here in attendance and he's here talking about it, then maybe I should also be listening.

So, just like that, I opened my heart and decided that what was being said was for me; was a special message from the Lord to me. And that what was being communicated was so important for me to hear, that God brought the messenger all the way from sunny California to present it to me. When put that way, it's hard not to open up and listen. And so I did. I listened.

Just then the unexpected began to happen. What I was hearing (on faith and confession) began to work it's way through the cracks and crevices of closed doors, on into rooms within my heart and mind I didn't know I'd locked up. You see, I was always under the impression that once you receive a truth from God, be it revelation, rhema, whatever...you were free to move on to greater understanding. So, in cases where I would hear a sermon message I'd heard before, I would check it off my list of 'Things I've Heard Before' and wait through it. Meanwhile, if I was honest with myself, truth was I still wrestled with the very issues those messages covered. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm far from the dullest. Tonight was the the night to do something new. Tonight was the night to be better. Tonight was the night to be open and listening. And I did.

It's so easy to adapt a "been-there/heard-that" attitude with just about anything in life. But when the Lord is speaking, whether through a pastor, a guest minister, a great book, radio, whatever, shouldn't I be available to Him at all times? I should be listening if for no other reason than the fact that I call Jesus "Lord". And, when I listened tonight, the Lord was there to resurrect the desire to blog. A desire I wasn't sure was His will for me. I was too afraid to even ask because of self-doubt and fear. But here I am.

Next time I'm tempted to disconnect from the message, no matter the reason, I will choose to let the Lord have dominance over my decision. Because? He is my Lord. And as my Lord, He is my source and provider of whatever I might need. Tonight I needed to step over fear like it was a dirty piece of gum stuck on the sidewalk. Tonight I needed to hear the words that would activate faith inside me. Tonight I went from talking about it to being about it.

That's what God's word does! It will take you from wanting to having. From dreaming to realization. From fearful to focused. But you've gotta be open and listening.